{"id":139,"date":"2026-04-15T02:55:13","date_gmt":"2026-04-15T02:55:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/?p=139"},"modified":"2026-08-05T03:45:50","modified_gmt":"2026-08-05T03:45:50","slug":"i-looked-like-i-had-it-all-together-but-i-was-falling-apart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/?p=139","title":{"rendered":"I Looked Like I Had It All Together: But I Was Falling Apart"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Who remembers 2020? Covid, lockdowns, and all the associated challenges. At risk of using an overused word of the time \u2013 what an unprecedented time. Towards the end of that year, I remember saying \u201cat least 2021 will be better\u201d. And then here\u2019s to 2022, it\u2019s GOT to be better. But, those years had nothing on 2024.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2024 had been a challenging year to start with.   A teenager I adore was seriously injured,  I walked away from 25 year friendship with a very close friend, a direct family member was struggling with serious health issues meaning lots of disruption to normal life, additional stresses and lots of traveling.  Alongside this, my mother had a cancer diagnosis and my already strained relationship with her escalated to levels I could never have expected.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I always knew \u201cthings\u201d were not quite right for me. I couldn\u2019t put my finger on it. To the outside world, I had it together. I think most people would describe me as competent. Reliable. I knew I lived a privileged life \u2013 happily married to my first love, two healthy and successful adult children, a beautiful home and property, good friends and a busy and full life. But lurking inside, and rarely talked about to other people was a feeling of something lingering in my psyche. On the fringes. I had many unusual fears and phobias, I had a disturbing dream life and nights were never restful. I didn\u2019t know why but I never felt quite good enough at anything, I knew I had an inability to feel any feelings except happy and frustrated, I often had unbridled thoughts racing off in unusual directions and had a pathological need to be a \u2018nice\u2019 person, see the other persons situation over mine \u2013 no matter how I was being treated. I kept myself very busy, because If things slowed down I got grumpy. I put it down to \u201ccabin-fever\u201d. And I tried for years and could not master the art of stopping and thinking before responding. Instead, reactions especially when triggered came like gunshots from me. If I spoke about it at all I\u2019d call it \u201cmy busy brain\u201d or \u201cmy mind playing tricks on me\u201d. I knew I didn\u2019t have peace, but I didn\u2019t know why. I was analysing everything in myself and around me, to find the reason why and fix it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whether the events of 2024 were too much pressure for my brain to handle, whether it was the fact I\u2019d been working hard on figuring myself out for the last 5 years or whether it was a combination \u2026 I finally broke. I had been starting to piece some things together but due to everything else that was going on, I tried to bury it \u201cfor now\u201d. It was a futile exercise and during a minor disagreement with my husband everything came out \u2013 the realisations, the fears and the utter despair and feeling of hopelessness. This first angel in my healing journey said and did all the right things in circumstances he had never experienced and certainly didn\u2019t expect to encounter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Who would have thought that in the middle of a full breakdown I finally felt a sense of \u201coh, I get it now\u201d \u2013 not peace yet, but a sense of rest.  After 55 years, my busy brain went offline.  Though I couldn\u2019t eat, drink, sleep, get out of bed at times, my brain had a sense of exhalation.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I refer to myself as having a \u201cbefore October 24\u201d me and an \u201cafter October 24 me\u201d. At first the \u201cafter October 24 me\u201d couldn\u2019t see a future.  I did however, put one foot in front of the other and attempt to move forward.  This wasn\u2019t  because I felt I could get through this, I didn\u2019t.  But I wanted to give hope to my nearest and dearest.  And then one day, a few months in, I laughed.  I laughed at a silly meme on Facebook, and I couldn\u2019t stop giggling.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s when I knew, that it was going to be ok.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I always knew \u201cthings\u201d were not quite right for me. I couldn\u2019t put my finger on it. To the outside world, I had it together. I think most people would describe me as competent. But my internal world was quietly in turmoil.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":140,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[26,30,36,25,31],"tags":[5,34,9,32,13,20,21],"class_list":["post-139","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-childhood-trauma-healing","category-depression","category-emotions","category-nervous-system-healing","category-trauma-healing","tag-childhood-trauma","tag-childhood-trauma-healing","tag-healing","tag-healing-journey","tag-mental-health","tag-trauma","tag-trauma-healing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/139","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=139"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/139\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":149,"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/139\/revisions\/149"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/140"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=139"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=139"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kasandradee.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=139"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}