I Looked Like I Had It All Together: But I Was Falling Apart
Who remembers 2020? Covid, lockdowns, and all the associated challenges. At risk of using an overused word of the time – what an unprecedented time. Towards the end of that year, I remember saying “at least 2021 will be better”. And then here’s to 2022, it’s GOT to be better. But, those years had nothing on 2024.
2024 had been a challenging year to start with. A teenager I adore was seriously injured, I walked away from 25 year friendship with a very close friend, a direct family member was struggling with serious health issues meaning lots of disruption to normal life, additional stresses and lots of traveling. Alongside this, my mother had a cancer diagnosis and my already strained relationship with her escalated to levels I could never have expected.
I always knew “things” were not quite right for me. I couldn’t put my finger on it. To the outside world, I had it together. I think most people would describe me as competent. Reliable. I knew I lived a privileged life – happily married to my first love, two healthy and successful adult children, a beautiful home and property, good friends and a busy and full life. But lurking inside, and rarely talked about to other people was a feeling of something lingering in my psyche. On the fringes. I had many unusual fears and phobias, I had a disturbing dream life and nights were never restful. I didn’t know why but I never felt quite good enough at anything, I knew I had an inability to feel any feelings except happy and frustrated, I often had unbridled thoughts racing off in unusual directions and had a pathological need to be a ‘nice’ person, see the other persons situation over mine – no matter how I was being treated. I kept myself very busy, because If things slowed down I got grumpy. I put it down to “cabin-fever”. And I tried for years and could not master the art of stopping and thinking before responding. Instead, reactions especially when triggered came like gunshots from me. If I spoke about it at all I’d call it “my busy brain” or “my mind playing tricks on me”. I knew I didn’t have peace, but I didn’t know why. I was analysing everything in myself and around me, to find the reason why and fix it.
Whether the events of 2024 were too much pressure for my brain to handle, whether it was the fact I’d been working hard on figuring myself out for the last 5 years or whether it was a combination … I finally broke. I had been starting to piece some things together but due to everything else that was going on, I tried to bury it “for now”. It was a futile exercise and during a minor disagreement with my husband everything came out – the realisations, the fears and the utter despair and feeling of hopelessness. This first angel in my healing journey said and did all the right things in circumstances he had never experienced and certainly didn’t expect to encounter.
Who would have thought that in the middle of a full breakdown I finally felt a sense of “oh, I get it now” – not peace yet, but a sense of rest. After 55 years, my busy brain went offline. Though I couldn’t eat, drink, sleep, get out of bed at times, my brain had a sense of exhalation.
I refer to myself as having a “before October 24” me and an “after October 24 me”. At first the “after October 24 me” couldn’t see a future. I did however, put one foot in front of the other and attempt to move forward. This wasn’t because I felt I could get through this, I didn’t. But I wanted to give hope to my nearest and dearest. And then one day, a few months in, I laughed. I laughed at a silly meme on Facebook, and I couldn’t stop giggling.
And that’s when I knew, that it was going to be ok.
